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中央大學的學生作文(16分)–普雷已批改過

Question:如果你有絕對的能力改變生活中的一件事,你最想改變的是什麼。請以”What I Want To Change the Most in My Life Is…“為題陳述你最想改變的事。

綠色佳

語意修正的很好,很快就進入狀況,字數也夠,第三段的結論很漂亮,有創意,而且重點是符合題目的要求,又有完整呼應自己前面所提內容,  nice: 16 

What I Want To Change the Most in My Life Is

Being stuck in the traffic jam on the way to school almost every day, what I want to change most is the chaotic traffic in my city. In recent decades, more and more people have come to the city to receive education and work. However, a lack of space and too narrow roads has [MSOffice1] led the traffic to a “disaster”. [MSOffice2] Trucks, cars[MSOffice3]  and even passengers compete for the little space of the roads. What’s worse, the big buses occasionally stop[MSOffice4]  on the crowded roads. Thus, all the cars have to stop and the time passes but none moves. It is no exaggeration to say that the roads become a huge parking space. 

 

   The terrible traffic situation has been a permanent nightmare for the citizens[MSOffice5]  here in my hometown—Tainan. This makes me have to leave for school much earlier to hinder from the traffic jam[MSOffice6] . Who doesn’t want to have more time to sleep? If I could change it, the first thing I would do is build a MRT system which can transit me to school on time as soon as possible. I don’t have any tolerance for the occasionally-stopping buses and innumerable cars. Also, I would build more express ways to relieve the overflow of cars here. Most important of all, I hope all the citizens to [MSOffice7] be in the habit of using public transportation. Therefore, the roads won’t be so crowded and can benefit our environment as well.

[MSOffice8] However, the truth is [MSOffice9] I cannot change anything. Maybe I should consider participating in the next election of the mayor. Thus, I would be really “entitled” to make the changes.

 


 [MSOffice1]have

 [MSOffice2]標點須在引號內

 [MSOffice3]All kinds of vehicles and even

 [MSOffice4]對調較符合道地用法

 [MSOffice5]residents,

citizen太嚴肅

 [MSOffice6]congestion記得改過來,上篇有提

 [MSOffice7]hope不可接人to VR

hope to VR or hope that S + V

 [MSOffice8]這點雖然很好,但實際上跟你設定的重心(交通)無關,先前你亦未提環境,所以現在才加就會有點突兀,尤其是加上每段的最後一句都是顯眼位置,不宜有稍微離題的點出現

 [MSOffice9]I am just an ordinary citizen and incapable of changing anything.